


I learned how to survive, but you showed me how to live

by CloneSeeker



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Abuse, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Clexa Endgame, Dark Past, Drug Abuse, Enemies, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Smut, Homelessness, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Lost Love, M/M, Multi, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, aversion treatment, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-05
Updated: 2019-05-17
Packaged: 2020-02-26 16:08:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18720469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CloneSeeker/pseuds/CloneSeeker
Summary: Lexa is 15 years old when her father finds out that she’s gay. What follow are the worst three years of her life, facing physical and psychological abuse, conversion therapy and homelessness with the age of 18. But she doesn’t give up, picking herself up again and again, telling herself to fight for her life.Clarke is 18 years old and she’s the stereotypical popular cheerleader, with the perfect boyfriend and gets anything and everyone she wants. She throws parties, does reckless things which get her in trouble more often than not, and yet, everything always turns out her way.But what happens when this new girl arrives at their school, and for the first time, someone actually challenges Clarke.Can the dark haired girl with the expressive green eyes change Clarke and show her that she’s more than just the rich cheerleader?Can Clarke change Lexa and make her see that there is more to life than just surviving?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello fellow humans
> 
> This idea came to me recentely, and I thought that it would be interesting to write it down.
> 
> The story is really dark, especially the first few chapters but I'll put a trigger warning in the notes when there will be Scenes which could be triggering.
> 
> Anyway, hope you like it :)

Lexa was twelve years old when she met Costia. She was playing outside, dribbling her favourite soccer ball on their drive way, when a huge moving van drove past her and stopped in front of the empty neighbour house.  


A tall man, got out from the driver seat with an exhausted look on his face. The woman who followed him out didn’t look any better, her dark hair tied in a messy bun and deep bags under her eyes.  


Only the small girl with the long brown hair and exited brown eyes seemed full of energy, immediately hopping out of the van and running around, excited to be here.  


It was in that moment, that Lexa knew that she wanted to be friends with the exuberant little girl, who already made a large smile appear on Lexa’s face without even having met her yet.  


***  


Lexa is fourteen years old and Costia is her best friend. They were sitting next to each other on Lexa’s bed, watching ‘Lion king’ together. Well, Lexa tried to watch, but Costia kinda made it difficult to concentrate on the movie with her endless talking.  


Lexa didn’t mind at all though. She really liked to listen to her best friend, always getting this warm, fuzzy feeling in her stomach when Costia smiled at her or when she talked about something, she was really passionate about and her warm brown eyes got a shade brighter.  


‘-and then Dereck asked me, if I wanted to hang out with him next Friday after school.’  


Lexa raised a solitary eyebrow, feeling a spark of jealousy at the mention of Dereck, one of the many annoying boys in their class. ‘What did you say?’  


‘Obviously no, because Friday evenings are our time. I would never miss out on that.’ Costia smiled at Lexa, making the latter blush.  


And there it was, that weird fluttering feeling in her stomach. Before Lexa knew what was happening, the question she had been dying to ask, tumbled out of her mouth, ‘how do you know that you like someone?’  


Costia looked at her for a moment and then fully turned her body towards Lexa, answering slowly, ‘um, you like to hang around with them I guess?’  


‘No, I mean um… as more than friends.’ Lexa blushed when the words left her mouth, blushing even more when Costia grinned at her and sing sang, ‘someone has a cruuush.’  


‘What? No I don’t’, Lexa lied, probably resembling a tomato by now.  


‘Mhmm, sure’, Costia replied sarcastically, moving even closer to Lexa. ‘Let me guess… is it Mark?’  


Lexa’s face automatically contorted in to one of disgust, ‘ew, no.’ Mark was a boy in their class, and like all the other boys, Lexa never felt any kind of attraction to any of them.  


‘Calvin?’, Costia guessed further, leaning closer and closer. Lexa just hoped that Costia didn’t hear the pounding of her heart, the closeness of her best friend making her nervous and excited at the same time.  


‘No’, Lexa murmured, her eyes instinctively falling to Costia’s lips and back up to her eyes before she could stop herself.  


‘Aron?’, Costia murmured, now leaning in so close that Lexa could feel her breath against her own lips, making her shiver slightly.  


‘No’, she whispered, every fibre in her body feeling heightened, making her more than aware of their knees touching, of Costia’s breath against her lips, of her own pounding heart.  


‘Miles?’ Costia murmured, her eyes dropping to Lexa’s lips and back up to her eyes. And maybe, just maybe Lexa’s feelings weren’t one sided after all.  


‘No’, Lexa murmured, unable to hide the fact that she was staring at Costia’s lips. They were so close, only a small push and she could finally feel the softness of Costia’s lips, something she had wanted to do for so long.  


‘Who is it then?’ Costia asked, her voice barely audible.  


Instead of verbally answering, Lexa closed the last gap between her and Costia’s lips in a surge of courage, finally making the move. Her heart was nearly leaping out of her chest, everything felt like too much and yet, it felt just right.  


Lexa felt light headed and her head was spinning. She put one of her hands on Costia’s check and the other on the girl’s waist to keep herself grounded, enjoying the small sound Costia made when her hand gently held on to Costia.  


The kiss was over after a few seconds and Lexa slowly pulled away, slightly out of breath. When she looked up in Costia’s brown eyes, her pupils were blown, and she had a small smile on her face.  


‘Now I have my answer’, Costia whispered, making Lexa chuckle in relieve.  


‘Are you okay?’ Lexa murmured after a moment, a smile appearing on her face when Costia nodded with a shy grin on her face.  


‘And you?’  


‘Yeah.’  


‘Okay.’  


***  


Costia and Lexa are 15 years old and have been girlfriends for a four months now. Lexa had asked Costia if she wanted to be her girlfriend a few weeks after their first but certainly not last kiss.  


They had been sitting on a stone in a secluded part of the forest, watching the sunset together. There they could finally enjoy being together and hold hands, hug or kiss without the fear of being caught.  


When the sun was nearly gone, leaving the sky in a hue of oranges, reds and streaks of pink, Lexa turned to Costia and finally found the courage to say those few words.  


‘Will you be my girlfriend?’ she asked, her heart pounding against her chest in anticipation.  


Costia grinned and jumped in Lexa’s lap, hugging her fiercely. Lexa laughed and asked in relieve, ‘I take that as a yes?’  


Costia nodded enthusiastically and kissed her, their grins making it difficult and yet, it was perfect.  


That was four months ago and until now, still nobody knew that they were together. They were careful in public, too scared of what people would think about their relationship, especially Lexa’s father.  


Since they lived in Meadville, a small town in Mississippi, they knew the risks of being openly queer. Mississippi was voted the most homophobic state of America after all and the fact that Lexa’s father was highly religious didn’t help either.  


But it was killing Lexa, that she couldn’t hold her girlfriend’s hand in public and do things straight couples could do, just because they were two females. It was just so fucking unfair.  


‘I want to tell my father’, Lexa muttered in to the silence one evening. They were laying on her bed, arm in arm, since her father was out of town, so they didn’t have to fear him walking in on them and finding out that they were together.  


Lexa heard Costia sigh and then mutter, ‘Lex, I really want to tell everyone too, because you’re such an amazing girlfriend and I want to show everyone how important you are to me and that we are together.’  


Lexa’s heart swelled at that, but she knew that Costia wasn’t done taking, waiting for the big “but”, that was sure to follow. And unfortunately, Lexa was right.  


‘But, we can’t. You know what he thinks about people who are different and how he would react knowing that his only daughter is gay. I- I just don’t want that anything happens to you.’  


Lexa could hear the hurt in Costia’s voice and pulled her closer, clenching her jaw at the unfairness of this whole situation.  


‘I’m sorry’, she whispered and kissed Costia’s forehead, feeling how Costia’s body started to shake and soon tears wet her t-shirt. She didn’t care though, just keeping a tight hold on her girlfriend while she cried, holding on to her until her body stopped shaking and her breathing evened out and she fell asleep.  


Lexa was awake late in to the night though, feeling too restless. ‘A few more years, then we’ll be able to move out. Just a few more years of hiding and we’ll finally be free.’ She murmured to herself and closed her eyes, soon falling in a restless sleep.  


***  


There was a storm raging outside, the howling wind and rumbling thunder making scary noises. But that was nothing compared to the deep voice, that threateningly pierced through the small room in the middle of the night, making both Lexa and Costia jump up from their sleeping position.  


Titus, Lexa’s father was standing in the doorway, his brown eyes staring in to Lexa’s with a furious and disgusted look on his face.  


Lexa’s heart was pounding so hard against her chest that it felt like it would crack her ribs, if it kept hammering against her chest.  


‘Father, I can explain’, she tried when she finally found her voice, holding her hands up in surrender. It was in that moment that a bolt of lightning lit up the dark room, revealing the most terrifying look on her father’s face.  


‘I pray to god, that this isn’t what I think it is. That you destroy my trust of using your time to do such… sinful activities. I am ashamed to call you my daughter’, her father spat out with venom in his voice.  


Those words felt like a slap in Lexa’s face, but she didn’t show any emotion, hiding the pain of that comment behind a blank face.  


‘We will talk about this sinful behaviour in the morning’, he threatened, glaring at both Lexa and Costia. ‘After coming home after a long night and finding my daughter with… I cannot even stand to look at you right now.’  


With a last glare which could have frozen hell over in an instant, he left the room with big steps and slammed the door shut behind him.  


Lexa thought that this was bad, but unfortunately, this was only the beginning of the few years of hell that were soon to follow.


	2. Revelations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: conversion therapy

Only a few days had passed since Lexa’s father had found out about her and Costia and yet, so much had changed. Titus had confiscated Lexa’s phone and immediately told Costia’s parents the next morning, resulting in Costia having to go home and have a “talk”.  


Lexa hadn’t seen her ever since, as her father made her stay at home to not “spread her disease” and make other people gay too. He told school that she was off sick and would stay at home for a while to “get better”.  


It was exactly a week later when Lexa found out what he meant with “get better”, when a dark skinned woman with cold, calculating eyes entered their house, after being let in by Titus.  


‘This is Alexandria’, Titus motioned to Lexa, ignoring Lexa flinch of hearing her full name. Her name was painfully connected with the death of her mother, something Titus has always held against her.  


‘Hi Alexandria. I am Dr. Lorelei Tsing and I am a therapist. Your father called me and told me about his concerns, and I am here to cure you.’  


Lexa swallowed the lump in her throat and stared in the brown eyes of the woman standing in front of her, feeling sick that someone tried to “cure her”. Homosexuality wasn’t a decease, and yet some people treated it like it was.  


‘Could we be left alone please?’ Dr. Tsing asked, and Titus nodded, leading the woman towards the living room. When Lexa didn’t immediately follow, Titus bellowed her name, throwing a harsh glare in her direction before going upstairs to his office.  


After a moment of hesitation, Lexa sat down on the grey couch furthest away from Dr. Tsing, playing with the black, metal ring on her finger while her therapist was getting a notepad and a pen out of her bag.  


Costia had given her the ring after they had been together for a month, claiming that she might not be able to openly show her affection, but that the ring was a promise that she was always going to be there for Lexa. She had worn it ever since, never taking it off, not even for sleeping.  


‘So, Alexandria’, Dr. Tsing said, a pleased look crossing her face when she noticed Lexa flinch. She scribbled something down and looked back up at Lexa.  


‘Your father has told me about your recent behaviour and of this… girl.’  


Lexa clenched her jaw and without thinking, she growled, ‘she’s my girlfriend.’  


Dr. Tsing looked at her in surprise and scribbled more notes down, irritating Lexa more and more.  


‘When did this behaviour begin?’ The woman asked, making Lexa laugh humorously.  


‘First of all, I aren’t telling you shit about Costia and me. It is none of your fucking business when we got together, what we have done or generally anything concerning Costia’, Lexa growled menacingly.  


Dr. Tsing didn’t seem surprised by her outbreak, and just scribbled more notes down.  


‘This girl seems to be the problem here. But your father has informed me, that she is going to be moving away tomorrow anyway, so she won’t be a problem in the future.’  


‘What?’ Lexa asked, jumping up. Her heart was racing, and she felt the onset of a panic attack coming in, the thought of losing Costia being unbearable.  


‘Oh, your father hasn’t informed you yet?’ Dr. Tsing asked with fake innocence, knowing exactly what she was doing. But in the panicking state Lexa was in right now, she couldn’t think straight.  


‘Why is she moving away?’ Lexa asked, with panic in her voice.  


When Dr. Tsing ignored her question and proceeded scribbling down notes, Lexa was so close to hitting the damn woman in the face.  


‘Tell me why’, Lexa growled, not having the patience to wait. It was about Costia after all.  


‘Alexandria. I will explain everything you need to know, but first of all sit down please’, Dr. Tsing said, when she was done with scribbling down her notes.  


Lexa hesitated for a long moment, the urge to run outside and rush to see Costia bigger than ever. This week without her girlfriend had been pure torture and she didn’t know how she could survive if Costia really was going to move away.  


‘Alexandria, sit down or otherwise I won’t tell you what you want to know’, Dr. Tsing tried.  


Lexa shot her a glare and finally sat down, feeling sick with worry. Her heart was still pounding hard against her chest and was absentmindedly playing with the ring on her left ring finger, helping to ground herself.  


The next hour passed in a blur of weird and invasive questions, of which Lexa didn’t answer a single one. But Dr. Tsing still looked pleased with herself, so Lexa must have given her what she wanted after all.  


Before Lexa could sneak outside, Titus came back downstairs and stayed by her side pretty much all evening until he finally retreated to bed. As soon as he was gone, Lexa tried to go through the main door, only to find it locked. Apparently, Titus even went as far as to change the locks on the door.  


Huffing in frustration, Lexa sneaked upstairs and went in her room. She opened her window and climbed outside, not caring how dangerous it was. Chance was, she might never see Costia again and that thought was more painful than anything else.  


As her room was on the second floor, the distance to the floor wasn’t so high, so if she fell, she would break a leg but probably not more. Due to a miracle, she managed to get to the floor without hurting herself and as soon as her feet touched the ground, she sprinted towards the neighbour house.  


Lexa’s heart clenched when she saw the moving van, parked ready in front of the neighbour house which was soon going to be empty again. Dr. Tsing wasn’t lying after all.  


Lexa ran to the back of the house where Costia’s bedroom was and sighed in relieve when the light was still on. She picked up a small stone and threw it against the window, her heart pounding against her chest from anticipation.  


When the window opened and she caught sight of her girlfriend, she felt such an immense wave of relieve.  


‘Lexa’, Costia whisper shouted with relieve and ran off, probably outside to meet her.  


Lexa jogged to the front door and as anticipated, the front door was unlocked seconds later and Costia ran outside, jumping in Lexa’s awaiting arms.  


‘I’m so sorry’, Costia cried. ‘I never wanted this to happen. I’m sorry.’  


‘It’s not your fault’, Lexa squeezed out, close to tears herself. ‘I’m sorry that I couldn’t text you, my father took my phone away and gave me house arrest. I-I’m sorry.’  


Costia hugged Lexa even closer, her tears soaking Lexa’s t-shirt, just like the last time. Only this time, they were good bye tears.  


‘What did your parent’s say?’ Lexa asked after a few minutes, still nowhere near ready to let go of her girlfriend.  


‘They told me that your father called them and that they didn’t agree with what he said. Apparently, they had been thinking of moving away for a while now, since they don’t want to be living in a state where people believe that homosexuality can be cured. They want to move to Arkadia, some small town in New York since most of my mother’s family live there’, Costia sobbed in Lexa’s neck.  


Lexa felt slightly relieved in hearing that at least Costia’s parents weren’t against homosexuality and that they wanted to move away from here, even if it meant that Lexa was going to be alone again.  


‘That’s good. Then I’ll at least know that you’ll be safe.’  


‘But what about you?’, Costia sobbed and pulled away slightly, tears still streaming down her face.  


‘I’ll be okay’, Lexa croaked, not believing what she was saying herself. ‘Just a few more years okay? And then I’ll be old enough to get away from here as well.’  


Costia pulled Lexa back in an embrace, crying that she didn’t want this to happen and that she was sorry.  


‘It’s not your fault and it has never been’, Lexa assured her, trying to keep the tears at bay. ‘He would have found out eventually and at least this way, I’ll know that you’ll be safe. You’ll find someone who will be able to make you happy and hold your hand in public without having to be scared that someone will say or do something.’  


Costia sobbed and Lexa held on to her girlfriend, like she was the only thing that kept her from falling apart herself, which was true if she was being totally honest to herself.  


‘I will miss you’, Costia croaked and finally looked in Lexa’s eyes.  


‘I will miss you too’, Lexa murmured, a single tear escaping.  


They kept on hugging for a few more seconds until Lexa felt Costia shiver, only this time from the cold. ‘Should we go inside?’ Lexa asked.  


‘What if your father finds out?’ Costia asked in concern.  


Lexa clenched her jaw and growled, ‘I don’t care if he finds out. He is the reason why I’m losing you in the first place. So I don’t give a shit what he thinks.’  


Costia hesitated but at the fierce look on Lexa’s face, she gave in and led them both inside. They laid on her bed and until the next morning, until Costia had to leave, they didn’t separate at all, spending every single second together.  


The last minute was the worst, because this wasn’t only a good bye, until next time. This was a good bye, possibly forever.  


Lexa said bye to Costia’s parents, accepting the hug from the two people who she had warmed up over the past few years. They had always been very accepting and welcomed Lexa with open arms.  


When the two parents had finally entered the moving van and it was Lexa’s turn to say good bye to Costia, she finally broke. She finally let the tears fall while she hugged Costia for the last time, hugging her tight and not wanting to let go.  


But like everything happy in Lexa’s life, the moment was fleeting and Costia had to leave. So with the last good bye kiss and long look at each other, Costia climbed the moving van.  


Soon, the moving van set off, driving down the street, leaving a broken Lexa behind. And for the second time, she was utterly alone again.


	3. Finally free

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is only a short one, but it's more of a build up until we get to the real part of the story. Hope you like it :)
> 
> Ps. Clarke and Lexa will meet in the next chapter. Let's see how that goes... ;)

Lexa is 18 years old and she just got off from her shift working as a waitress at the diner. She untied her now slightly messy bun and gathered her bag, popping by at her boss’ room to say her last goodbye.  


Gustus, her boss, was sitting behind his table, doing some paperwork. The big man with the bushy beard looked up when he heard the knock on the door and smiled at Lexa. He always had held a soft spot for the stoic girl, especially since Lexa had confided in him after a hard week at home.  


Ever since she opened up to him, Gustus offered her his ear to listen or shoulder to cry on, which ever she needed. Lexa wasn’t one to cry, but she did sometimes talk to the big, scary looking man who was actually a teddy bear once you got to know him. He just looked a bit intimidating, but Lexa knew not to judge the book by its cover.  


‘Hey Lex’, her boss said with a smile, which disappeared a moment later when he noticed the worried expression on Lexa’s face. ‘What’s up? Has something happened?’  


Lexa closed the door behind her and took a deep breath, before blurting out, ‘I’m moving.’  


Gustus looked at her in surprise before nodding, shooting Lexa an understanding smile. ‘I knew that the time would come soon. I just didn’t think that it would happen so fast. It seems like yesterday when you started working here and I… I’m going to miss you. You were always one of my favourite people to have around.’  


Lexa shot him a watery smile. Even though she just started working here for the money, she actually started liking it. It was nice and comforting after coming home from school and being able to go somewhere else instead of staying at home with her father. Here she felt safe, cared for and accepted… things she hadn’t felt at home for a very long time… since Costia.  


‘I’m sorry’, she croaked, willing the tears to not fall but to no avail. The first few drops started to slip down her cheeks and Gustus shot up immediately, pulling Lexa in an embrace. Even though he was her boss, they never really had that boss-worker dynamic, but much more a father-daughter one.  


‘Before you go, I have something for you’, Gustus said and pulled away again. He went to his desk and unlocked a drawer, pulling out an envelope. ‘I’m sure that you can use this for you journey’, he explained and held it out for Lexa to take.  


She tentatively took the envelope and opened it, gasping when she saw money in it. ‘Gustus, this is too-‘  


‘I want you to take it’, Gustus interrupted her, closing his big hands over Lexa’s. ‘Please, see it as a… thank you present for the work you have done here. I have never had someone who worked as hard as you did. You deserve it.’  


Lexa gaped at Gustus and then pulled him in a fierce embrace. ‘Thank you so much’, she croaked in to Gustus’ chest, close to tears again.  


‘You’re very welcome Lexa. I wish you much luck on your journey’, Gustus mumbled, obviously close to tears himself.  


Lexa let out a watery chuckle and pulled away, smiling up at him and holding out her arm. ‘May we meet again.’  


Gustus shot her a smile and gently grabbed her forearm as a last good bye, ‘may we meet again.’  


Lexa left without another word, only sending Gustus a long last look before closing the door behind her. With her bag strapped on her back and the money securely in her pocket, she headed back home, getting herself ready for the long journey ahead of her.  


***  


Lexa was filling her bag up with everything that fit in there, leaving the things behind that she wouldn’t necessarily need. Her goal was Polis, a middle sized town in New York. She had chosen that town because of Anya, her cousin who lives there.  


She didn’t really have a lot of contact with her since she had only met her three times in her life at the required family gatherings everyone hated. But Anya was the closest relative she could think off, who didn’t live close to her father and who also didn’t share any of her other relatives close minded opinions.  


And at the last family gathering, Anya had even told Lexa to visit her since she was, “my only little cuz I can stand. Everyone else in this family are fucking dimwits.” So the choice wasn’t a difficult one.  


Lexa had been preparing this trip for a few months now, even going as far as sending in all the necessary documents for a school transferal. School holidays had just started, which was the main reason why she had to wait until now, because she couldn’t just miss out on three weeks of school. That was the time she calculated she’d need to get to New York on foot.  


And even though she was going to be travelling for such a long time, everything was better than to spend another second living in this house with her father and the things he did to “cure” her.  


She looked down at her thigh instinctively, where the only visible mark was left. It was a mark that showed just how much her father had broken her. A mark that showed just how far she went because of the damage he had done.  


But that was all going to lie in the past soon. Lexa just had to get through this night and then she would be gone forever, leaving this house and everything behind her.  


When her bag was packed with everything necessary, she hid it under her bed, together with the letter she had written for her father. A small part of her felt sorry for leaving him the way she did, but then she remembered all the cruel things he had done to her and the guilty feelings turned to anger, giving her the energy to go through with her plan.  


***  


It was nearing eight o’clock and Lexa was getting more and more anxious to finally be able to leave. Time seemed to slow down, and nothing could help her to distract her thoughts to something else. She was playing with the black ring on her left index finger, a habit she did when she was nervous.  


Even though time felt like it didn’t pass at all, it finally did turn eleven o’clock, meaning that her father must be retreating to bed soon. Lexa opened the door quietly, her heart pounding against her chest. All of the lights were off, and she couldn’t hear anything.  


Lexa took a deep breath to calm her rising nerves and got her bag and the letter from under the bed. She sneaked down as quietly as possible, her steady heart beat the only sound she could hear. After she put her shoes and coat on, making sure that she had everything, she laid the letter on the table for her father.  


Lexa opened the door and stepped outside into the cool air of the night, taking a deep breath. She locked the door back up, let the key through the door slot and finally started the trek down towards the main street.  


She threw one last glance at the place she used to call home. But now it wasn’t that anymore, but merely a house she had been living in. So without looking back, she started her journey towards freedom and happiness. She knew that it wasn’t going to be easy, but she had gone through so much already, she was going to survive this new chapter of her life as well.


End file.
